What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 01:41
Ive learnt so much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was scared of men, in general
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Was to survive, this bastard.
What can help me fall asleep at night?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I never cut or harmed myself..
What is something you want to "get off your chest"?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I have no regrets .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Do you think your landlord should have a key to your room?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why are black women the largest unmarried group in the United States of America?
We all went to grammer schools
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She loved him until the end.
She found it foreign!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My family never makes their pension either.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i lived it daily.
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What did i know ?
My life is so biszare .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It was going to be , some day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im still living with it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Put me off passion for life!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was in good health!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I think the readers, may guess!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were not on the streets..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Who then, do I blame.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was very sick at this time too.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
So whats the point in blame.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He knew the spot.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She married twice! .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Especially a lifetime of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
This is soul school!.
I was seconnd youngest,
I don,t even have a pension.